Jealous Sides
by Appaku
Summary: ONESHOT: Chuuei's reflections on Tamahome, the rest of his family, and if it was all worth it.


**Author Fangirling: **I relate so, so, so much to Chuuei. Being the 2nd born in a big family is tough! You have just as many responsibilities as the first born, but not the recognition. And if that one person starts breaking your heart… well, you don't have a fallback older sibling.

Yeah, I kinda started this with issues about my Oneechan in mind, but this is completely a Chuuei story. All from his POV, and with a mature child's insights (quite different from my Chiriko fiction. QUITE.).

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For as far back as I can remember, my life has been here in this little house, filled with little people. We had little money, and little hope for getting any more. But we were happy, because we all loved each other.

Even before Mother died, my big brother was always taking care of everyone. He didn't go out to play with any of the other boys, and didn't ask for much in return. I was always very happy when he took care of me.

There was that time when the old man from the Western country came to train him, and he didn't have time to help us cook and clean. A part of me felt jealous, but I told that part of me to stay away. After all, this was one of the few chances he'd get to have time to himself. He was a saint in my eyes, and practically gave up his life for the sake of our younger siblings.

When I was old enough to start helping, I wound up not having time to go play with the other boys, either. From the time I got up to the time I went to sleep, I was helping take care of everyone. Sleeping didn't give me much of break, either, because Shunkei would always kick me with out knowing it. No one came to take me away to train, but I didn't let it bother me. If Big Brother could give up his life for everyone else, so could I.

And then, Big Brother got a life.

I always knew he was a chosen warrior of Suzaku, but it was just a fact stored in the back of my mind. I never really wanted to know that someday, he would be taking care of the whole country, and not just our family. Not just me. But I still told my jealous side to stay away.

He finally left to find work, so we could have money to treat Father's illness. I could tell it was partly an excuse to get out for a while, but I knew he needed it. After all, how can you hold someone back who has sacrificed so much for you? I thought it was be a short, unfruitful trip, but he was gone for a couple months. I had never worried so much in my life as those two months. I worried that something terrible had happened to him, or even worse, he decided never to come back.

He finally did, but was always in a daze. He did tell us that the girl from another world had come to summon Suzaku, only to return home before doing so. He told us not to worry, and that he would stay closer from then on. I was relieved, but only for so long.

The Priestess came back, and went so far as to visit out humble little home. I was excited, because nothing like that had ever happened before. We all liked her right away, but ultimately, she took Big Brother away again. I knew it was his duty to her, but that jealous part of me still felt somewhat betrayed. I had to work harder to chase it away this time, having watched him take off after her so fast.

To take my mind of that, I tried to feel happy for him. I had a feeling that he really, really liked the Priestess, and that he was happy to be with her. Sort of to thank him for all the sacrifices he had already made, I decided to completely sever my own interests so I could care for everyone in his place. Honestly, though, I partly made that decision because I had a feeling that he was never coming back.

We waited, and life dragged on. Father's condition continued to deteriorate, and Yuiren whined more and more about Big Brother not being around. She always struck me as a bit of a brat… Big Brother spoiled her far too much. It's not my place to say such things, though.

She has taken so much, though. Mother gave her life so she could brought into this world, and Big Brother spend more time with her than the rest of us. In a way, she took them from us. But she was still my little sister, and I loved her very much, so I continued to make my own sacrifices for her. I'll probably never receive a "thank you" for all of this, but that's part of what making a sacrifice is.

That's what I told myself, anyway. The jealous side of me was always getting louder, blaming our poverty, Yuiren, the Priestess, all of them for taking away my only Big Brother. The rest of me was louder, though, and insisted that I couldn't let my siblings loose another big brother, that I'll be here to take care of them even when he's long gone.

He didn't come back, but the Priestess did. It was right around the time when I was sure Father was going to die. Suzaku must have recognized my sacrifices, though, because he sent a few warriors along, and one of them had powers strong enough to heal him. I wanted to do anything I possibly could to thank that man. Obliviously, it was a sacrifice for him to use him power to help strangers like us, but he only smiled and insisted that he wanted to do it, and didn't need any thanks. My jealous side cowered away when he said that, and I started to feel guilty. I hadn't done anything quite as great as that, but was always fishing for some reassurance. Compared to this man, I was very selfish.

The first time the Priestess came to our little house, I was stunned that such an important person would ever come to such a poor village. I was even more stunned when I found out the stunning man with them was our emperor. I was probably even more stunned when he hugged Yuiren, especially after she was so vulgar as to call him a woman!

That girl can get away with anything. Sometimes I wished our roles were switched, but that was always the jealous side talking.

Whenever my Big Brother was mentioned, though, the Priestess would always get a heart broken, but fond look in her eyes. I was sure by this time that they were in love with each other. I wanted to be happy for him, but I felt crushed. It meant that a great portion of heart really would be taken away. He was a man now, and had a woman to take care of. He was no longer just an older brother caring for his poor family. Now, that was my role. And it was always was, and always will be.

I'll never have the chance to become strong like he did, I'll never have the chance to see the world beyond my village, and I'll never have a chance to find my own love.

My jealous side would tell me that more and more as I'd fall asleep, and I was getting tired of fighting it. I was envious that he could take back his sacrifice and have his own life away from this little house. And I was hurt that everyone was taking him away from me. I'm the only one I can rely on now. I'm the only one any of us can rely on.

They left, of course, not wanting to waste their precious time before summoning Suzaku. Yuiren made a scene again, being a brat as usual. Why can't she learn to be quiet like Gyokuran and Shunkei? A week rolled by, and then another. Even though Father was healthy now, he spent all his time playing with his youngest children, making up for lost time. I was still left with all the dishes, though. There's no time to play with the responsible one around here, after all.

Because he was healthy now, and because the Priestess was preparing to summon Suzaku soon, our situation looked better. It looked like the war might not trample through our village after all.

I clung to that hope blindly, until a young man showed up. He had weapons.

At the very moment he struck Father, my body sprang into action before I could think. The others clung behind me for protection, and I guarded them with the cooking knife. My only thought was that I couldn't let this boy take away what I had given my life for. I was going to protect no matter what.

The sacrifice the healing man made for Father was already undone. I wasn't going to let that happen anymore.

It only took one strike for him to stop me, though. Everyone gasped, and I stayed very silent. It hurt like nothing I had even felt before, but I kept standing- just barely. He hit me again, and I heard everyone's terrified screams behind me this time. I hit the ground, still clenching the knife, but could do nothing for them anymore. I couldn' t even shield my ears as I heard them all scream… partly in terror, mostly in pain. From my spot on the floor, I watched blood spatter, and felt the small vibrations as they all hit the floor with me. Everything was silent, and everything I knew before was utterly gone.

After I had sacrificed so much for them, it was all put to waste. I had my chance to run away. If I did, I could have left all this behind, and gone to find my own life. I wish I had my own life… but now it's been cast away with the rest of them. I should have ran, rather than watch it all be wasted. I hating wasting things.

That jealous side took over for my few, short last moments. My heart was too broken when I heard them all screaming, that I no longer felt any reason to fight it. After all, I was never as strong as Big Brother. I could never be as good as Big Brother. If he was here, they'd all still be alive.

But in the end, does it matter if I was there or not, all those years? I could never replace him, never do half as much as he did. Everything I did leading up to this moment was futile.

Just as the last of my consciousness was sapped, I heard Yuiren's weak voice ask where he was. I wished I could have had him back just one more time as well… but maybe, my very last bit of hope thought, maybe she would still get her way, and be able to see him one last time.

Even my jealous side couldn't stop me from whole heartedly wishing that for her. In the end, even my last thoughts were sacrificed for them. But I don't need any thanks.


End file.
